Anger Management

Dealing with Anger

Tom had a problem with anger. He often lost his temper at work, at home, and even at church. He felt guilty and ashamed of his outbursts, but he also felt justified and righteous in his anger.

He came to therapy wanting to learn how to control his anger and be more patient and forgiving.

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Tom's reactions were triggered by any situation that challenged his authority, competence, or dignity. For example, being criticized by his boss, ignored by his wife, or contradicted by his priest.

Inwardly, he rationalized his anger as a natural and healthy response to injustice and disrespect. He blamed others for provoking him and refused to take responsibility for his actions.

Outwardly, he expressed his anger in aggressive and violent ways, such as yelling, slamming doors, throwing things, or even hitting people. He also held grudges and resentment towards those who offended him.

Underneath his anger, he felt insecure and unworthy of love. He believed: I am not good enough.

Origins

Using the floatback technique, we uncovered both unmet needs and unresolved memories. From the ages of 8 - 10 he suffered from physical and verbal abuse by his alcoholic father.

He was constantly humiliated, beaten, and told that he was worthless. He learned to cope by fighting back and developing a tough exterior.

Integrating Defenses

To reduce his anger, he was able to reframe his rationalizations as a sign of the deeper wound. (Rationalization is a way to defend from facing deeper hurts, and may require thought-stopping. See the resource on control techniques here).

He wrote a letter to the "rationalizer" to replace the false control of blaming with the genuine control of owning his feelings and choices. This brought up the other defense, which was where he expressed his anger in destructive ways, rather than constructive ways.

He told this part of him that he was tired of hurting himself and others with his anger, and that it could never help him heal or grow. He learned new skills to communicate his anger assertively, rather than aggressively.

(See the resource on the owning expressive skill here to learn this simple technique).

Healing the Core Wound

We used EMDR to process all the major instances where he felt abused and rejected by his father. It was here that he came to the core wound, which he imagined as a young 8-10 year old boy who had spent a long time feeling unloved and unworthy.

He was able to meet the unmet needs by pondering times and people in his life where he felt accepted, valued, and respected. He imagined giving his young self plenty of compassion and affirmation.

Finally! Peace in Anger

Tom was finally able to replace destructive anger with constructive anger. He no longer felt insecure or threatened by others' opinions or actions. His explosive outbursts resolved into calm assertiveness when expressing his feelings and needs. He tried out his new approach with an actual situation that had been triggering him for a long time, and found that he was able to resolve it peacefully and respectfully.

Spiritual Significance

Tom was able to reframe his anger according to a more spiritually mature framework, one that allowed for authentic emotion to inform his relationships with God, self, and others. Although he still felt angry at times, he reveled in the sense of peace, forgiveness, and growth in love that had been missing in his spiritual life.