Mirror Neurons: Are we Doomed to Become Our Parents?

Sometimes you sound just like your mother.

Usually this is a good thing.

But at times it can be a bad thing.

Our parents' voices can come out of our mouths (like when I am disciplining my children), or they can sound off in our heads, scolding us mercilessly or in some cases, frightening us.

How does this happen?

More importantly, is there anything we can do about it?

Let's look into the first question first. (For a practical article on the 2nd question, the process of change, click here).

Mirror Neurons and Emotional Learning

In the 1990s, Giacomo Rizzolatti and his team at the University of Parma found mirror neurons by accident. They noticed these special brain cells in monkeys activated both when the monkeys grabbed food and when they watched others do it.

This discovery opened the door to a flood of research and insights into the processes of imitation and empathy​, not just in monkeys, but in humans. It turns out, mirror neurons are likely involved in much of the learning we do growing up, and certainly much of the social-emotional learning we do.

Key Insight related to Mirror Neurons: We are hardwired to mimic each other.

Mirror neurons help us imitate others. They also help us resonate with the emotional state of others. But the key here is that, just like the monkeys, our mirror neurons fire automatically around others. So we can pick up on their emotions, sensations, intentions, and behaviors rather intuitively.

This is called shared activation.

Children learn through their parents

For example, a father excitedly waves to a friend who has just arrived to a church meeting. His son notices that excitement, feels it himself, and "records" the program for how to greet someone excitedly who has just arrived after a long absence. He has just learned an emotional and social script automatically and effortlessly from his parent, for use in later situations with his own friends.

This is great news for children who are growing up watching parents/caregivers who are generally well-adjusted.

These children will learn much of how to act and react to the world from their parents merely by watching and imitating. They will easily internalize an image or recording of their parents as nurturing, patient, protective, encouraging, etc. It will be easy to then treat themselves with firmness or compassion as needed based on the situation that arises. By the time they have to navigate relationships in the world, they will have automatically downloaded adaptive 'scripts' and 'programs' on how to think, feel, and behave with others in good times and bad.

Key Insight #2: Mirror Neuron Learning is Automatic, which means it is Involuntary

Not so good for those who grow up watching parents who respond to situations out of their defenses and woundedness.

Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes, with alcohol or drug addiction, will automatically (and involuntarily) mirror their parents who are neglectful, rejecting, enmeshing, or abusive. In addition, they may come out of childhood with deficits in their schemas on how to navigate the world in ways that are mature and helpful. The 1997 study on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) gave statistical evidence that adults who had such adversity in childhood struggled much more with stressful problems as adults.

How does this relate to therapy?

Well....therapy involves getting at hidden emotional wounds and resolving them. However, many of our hidden emotional wounds are actually learned from the people we were around the most growing up. Mirror neurons helped us learn good things, but also bad things from our loved ones. And yes, while this is bad news from one point of view, it is also good news from another.

The good news is that we are not monkeys. The other good news is that we are not angels.

Because we are human beings, we are capable of learning and changing in ways that neither monkeys nor angels are capable of learning. In other words, we are not doomed to be stuck acting out or reacting to the "programs" we automatically downloaded from our parents.

Happy news flash for women: daughters are not doomed to become their mothers.

The Role of the Intellect and Free Will

Unlike monkeys, human beings possess free will, enabling us to consciously choose which parental programs to adopt, ignore, let fade, or change.

We often forget this. Probably because lots of psychologists denied free will, saying that our personality was determined and not changeable.

Unlike animals, whose behaviors are largely governed by instinct, humans can reflect on their experiences and make deliberate choices. This intellectual capacity allows us to critically evaluate the behaviors and attitudes we learned from our parents and decide whether they align with our values and goals. Through education, self-awareness, and therapeutic interventions, we can develop alternative, healthier ways of thinking and acting. This means we are not doomed to repeat negative parental scripts; instead, we can actively shape our own paths.

The Capacity to Change and Learn

Unlike angels, we have the capacity to change and learn, allowing us to make mistakes as we figure out which values and habits to foster and which to let fade. While angels are considered immutable and perfect in their nature, humans have the flexibility to grow from their errors and experiences.

Our ability to learn and adapt means that we are not bound to act out negative parental scripts indefinitely.

Rewiring Negative Patterns

The process of change and healing is possible, thanks to the plasticity of our brains. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that even though we may have internalized certain negative patterns from our parents, we have the capacity to rewire those patterns through intentional effort and practice.

Therapy plays a crucial role in this process. By working with a therapist, individuals can become aware of the negative "scripts" and "programs" they have internalized. Through some pretty simple therapeutic techniques, we can learn to identify and challenge these negative patterns.

So the next time you hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth, remember: you have the power to change the narrative.

Exactly how to do that is the subject of the next article. You can find that here.